5:47 am the other night… or I guess morning.
5:47am and Im awake, yes I have not slept yet. Instead I lay wide awake with my super cool mouth guard in bed watching Dexter.(I actually love my mouth gaurd and it is the only thing I ever want in my mouth this early in the morning) This show is too addictive I mean I just started 3 days ago and Im almost done season 3. I guess having insomnia is helpful at helping me watch 5 million episodes until the wee hours of the morning.
Anyways this post isn’t about Dexter. Its about my sleeping or should I say lack their of patterns. I don’t sleep. When I do sleep I have nightmares. Nightmares that would probably put me in the same category of insane as Dexters serial killer character. I don’t take narcotics so my ” sleeping pills ” are sleepy time tea and warm milk. I thought Id luck out tonight and pass out from the cold medicine Ive consumed but instead of sending me to sleepy time land Im in a state of feeling half stoned. For a bitch who’s been sober for almost a year and a half this has resulted in me walking around my apartment like a child who consumed liquor for their first time.
Insomnia is a bitch. A skanky bitch who seems to think I want to be her friend and stay up all night thinking about our futures together. Well I hate her and have been trying to break up with her for her brother sleep for years.
I have had sleeping issues since I was about 16, maybe it was because that was when I really started getting into my love for substances. Im sure drugs play a part in past and current sleeping issues. I mean I know thats why I used to stay up till 5 am it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to know drugs keep you awake.( Unless I decided to slip into a self induced K-hole…which happened more times then not) But Im sure the brain damage the prolonged use caused me plays a part in my current state. Whatever the cause of this tormenting problem may be it doesn’t matter, the only thing that matters is I’m one sleepless night away from asking my roommate to hit me over the head just hard enough so I pass out for 8 hours.
See everyone now a days seems to have “Insomnia” when really all half these people have is a problem disconnecting from the internet. If you really have sleep issues, I mean the kind of issues that leave you staring at the ceiling for 5 hours wonder how you can knock yourself unconscious you will relate to the pain this actually causes. See not being able to sleep for one night is one thing, two nights a pain in the ass, but every single night of your existence it starts to make you a bit insane. Not meth head peel off your face insane, more like coke head been up for a week crazy. I have learned how to survive on 2-3 hours of “sleep.” Though I don’t even really classify my so called rest as real sleep because once my body finally shuts down my mind begins a whirlwind of graphic Criminal minds meets gothika type night terrors.
I could deal with the insomnia, the real draining part is the continually and never ending stream of horror that occurs in my subconscious after I close my eyes. Yes I know everyone has nightmares, but mine are the type that make you question if you really just stepped into another dimension for a few hours and if you should turn yourself into a police department. I feel that the dreams are more draining than the lack of sleep itself. Its like my brain is in over drive and I will sound like a complete psycho when I say this but half the time they are fucked up forms of premonitions. ( I don’t expect you to believe me, Im just some crazy bitch who posts too many photos of myself on social media) My ex says its because Im native ( not that thats why Im crazy) Why I have the premonitions. This could be true, pochahontas one with nature 😉 Well the combination of nightmares, insomnia and the occasional sleep paralysis episode makes me feel like Im in fight club. Minus the hot men and the fighting.
I have tried natural cures, not eating certain things before bed, warm milk, sleepy time tea, this that the other. ( I sounded like a senior citizen there.) Well anyways nothing seems to help. So instead I live the life of a vampire without the benefit of being able to live forever.
confessionsofbeepss 