I have never been a fan of Christmas. When I worked retail a customer called me scrooge. Then I stabbed her. Just kidding, I wanted to make sure you’re paying attention.
Its Christmas eve and Im salivating thinking about deep fried oreos and red bull while people and their Christmas cheer blow up my social networking. If scrooge had a gf it would be me.
Christmas. The time of year where people go insane. All of a sudden we are spending money we don’t have on gifts for family members that we hate. Eating enough baked goods to kill even honey boo boo and wearing ugly sweaters because “its funny.”
You may think my opening statement is a bit cynical. ( If you don’t then we should probably be best friends.) Well my views on the holidays have always been a bit cynical.
See this being the first Christmas I am spending alone has allowed to to reflect on how I truly feel about the holidays. I have never really been fond of Christmas. I mean I have tried, REALLY tried to get into the spirit. I even went carolling ( to be honest if it wasn’t for all the free food I would have killed myself after the first house) but nothing seems to work.
See Christmas stresses me out and here’s why:
1) Everyone is so cheery – My bank teller was smiling so big I was convinced he was an axe murderer… and why was he wearing an elf costume. No sir you are not Will Ferrel
People that I would never talk to seem to think that Christmas is a prime opportunity to wish me not only a Merry Xmas but a Merry Xmas Eve.
2) Presents- We spend money we don’t have on presents for people we don’t like half the time. Then there is that awkward moment when that friend you don’t really like gets you a present and you’re like ” Oh ya hold on I totally have your present” (……NOT.) While you reach into your purse for a KEG gift card that has $5.10 left on it.
Those useless gifts grandparents get you. My grandmother would get me the most terrifying angel ceramic 2 foot tall dolls from Wal-Mart or those stupid stuffed animals that sing Xmas carols. WHEN AM I EVER GOING TO USE THESE !? But you can’t say anything to them. I tried that and I was told that rejecting the gift is like embracing the devil. (Ok my grandmother is a nut job)
3) Which brings me to my next point FAMILY
Christmas is one of those times of years that really make you look at your family. Which for some of us makes us want to shove forks in our eyes. See not all of us have the big family dinners, with the 13 uncles and 86 cousins. Some of us have the Fun of Dysfunction. With the screaming and the throwing of presents and cranberry sauce. For us the holidays are just another anxiety fest of which relative will stab which relative first?
Or how quickly can I choke on this stuffing to avoid the rest of the evening.
That time of year where at least once you want to pretend like you are an orphan from a jungle and that you don’t really share the same DNA with these people.
5) Last but not least COUPLES and girls complaining about being single
See couples usually don’t bother me. Yet during the holidays they drive me insane. OKAY WE GET IT YOU GUYS HAVE AWESOME GIFTS FOR ONE ANOTHER. You don’t need to go on for ever and ever about how you bought them such an unreal gift. Unless that gift is for me I don’t care.
What’s worse than these couples though? Single girls complaining about being alone. Photos with “ forever alone” posted underneath. Ok unless you are in solitary confinement stop complaining. Just because you don’t have a bf to take photos with for IG on Xmas morning DOES NOT MEAN YOU’RE FOREVER ALONE.
When I think about the positives of the holidays. Well Alcohol used to be number one, now that I have ditched booze the only thing I can find comfort in is drowning myself in gravy and shoving my face in pie. This being said the after effects of weeks filled with Xmas food result in the replacement of my abs with a 2 month old food baby. I guess the presents are a plus too, yet I feel like I deserve them after I have spent my rent money on everyone else and their dogs. I guess I kind of like the lights. I mean they used to be cooler when I did acid but they still amuse me in my sobriety.
Yeah Yeah all you cheery folk are probably like ” OMAGAWD this gUrl is like soooooo dumb, XMAS ROCKS. ” To that I say, send me presents and cookies. My cynicism has been different this year. Being alone has allowed me to embrace the holidays in my own way. I won’t lie I am going to miss my dysfunctional yet loving family. But Oreos, Redbull and Porn sound a lot more exciting that Santa and his reindeer.
MERRRY CHRISTMAS MUTHERFUCKERSxx